A poem from my collection

[Khaadijah]

Hello everyone! I am posting a poem from a collection I have submitted for publication. I was hoping that you might offer feedback on this one poem. If you are interested in reading more, just pm or email me. Thank you so much you guys!

*much love* -Emily
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To the Knight of Infinite Resignation
(I am the Knight of Faith)**

Oh knight, where is your faithful steed
and the maiden fair, that cries for freedom?
I see your armor has rusted, Excalibur lost,
and the crusade seems forever gone.
Your heart aches and in some distance; forced,
you make a futile effort to arm against assault.
Burning stars paint the oblivion
and light the eyes of seekers.
Souls older than time remember the saga of love,
yet they ne'er cease their sacrifice upon the altar.
I see you dreaming in black and white
as colored tears escape your eyes.
Give me your trust, oh broken Galahad,
here is your damsel come to slay the dragons and
conquer your demons.
The day's light shines into lonely night
and the beacon of hope is not long away.
Rise sir, restored one day, thus the sharp thorns
and poisoned miasma retreat from your heart.
The day is won with every step and no feats of valor;
the Lake stirs, will you see?

**this title's terms are referenced to Kierkegaard's FEAR AND TREMBLING. The poem is not meant to be about the subjects of that thesis but does draw on their concept.

 

[Tzydl Zhitelava]

i liked all of it except the poisoned miasma....and that's just cause it was a vocabulary word that didn't seem in the same section with all other words in the poem but it painted a dark yet regal picture of galant deeds. nice job!

 

[Neshir]

Very nice job!

 

[Mobius]

at first glance, the language seems unecessarily urbane. you've got the seeds of awe-inspiring images planted amid a rigamarole of uneeded prose and ligature. that is, these seems more a segmented paragraph, than a poem. if you pick and choose the most powerful and forthright phrases and bin the rest, you'll have a much tighter poem. for exampe, lines 13-17 could be limbed to:

• Give your trust, broken
  Galahad. Your damsel slays
  dragons, conquers your demons.
  Light shines into lonely night
  and hope follows behind.

obviously, you would edit this to fit your style, but the intent is to strike the deepest tone with the least clutter. ring each line clearly

second, methinks there are certain images you could unpack to fit your precise intent. i understand Kierkegaard was speaking to the abstract when creating his Religious and Aesthetic iconography, but he always brought these concepts back to the individual through story-telling. similarly, you would find greater strength in this poem if you didn't use words with such an immense range of meaning. in the same lines as above, you use the very open terms "trust", "demons", "light", "lonely", "hope" - all of which are ambiguous at best, and confusing at worst. the concepts you're exploring in this poem are already gigantic, don't muddy them by using words with connotations you do no intend. decide exactly what you mean by "trust", and build a precise model of that through specific images and concepts

finally, as a reader, i felt very little connection to the characters. studying The Golden Bough, the "Arthurian Legend", or "Fear and Trembling" is distant and impartial, it's an academic venture engaged by reason and intellect - a beaten Galahad unclasping his armour to embrace the Saracen's blade knowing it's the true Will of God but instead finding the Chalice of Peace is visceral, i can see it; i can connect with it. and, through that connection, i come to understand the ultimate resignation and expression of faith demanded by the true Religious - or something akin, but you get where i'm coming from. right now, you're telling me: Feel this, Feel that, so we both get over there; instead of just showing me the map and letting me follow you

crap, i didn't mean to go on this long. sorry