Conflicted

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Liz_S

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Arlyne stood staring at her target as it roars in flames. Her eyes filled with anger as she moves to her next target.
"10 spell flame!'
"10 spell flame!"
"10 spell flame!"
She hits two of her three targets, the last falling short.
Sighing, she grabs a pail of water nearby and extinguishes them.

She starts again.

"10 spell flame!"
Her memories seared in her mind as she casts, flashes of Blueberry, and Lilac, their smiles, their innocence comes through.
"10 spell flame!'
Another flash of memory this time, their faces distorted, blood flowing through their injuries, their cries for an explanation of why she is doing to this to them.
"10 spell flame!"
The grinder. The screams continue. Talon, Allan and Calan walking away as the fight ensues.
"10 SPELL FLAME!!!!!!"
The look on Magi Evo and WarMage Jinn's face as Arlyne takes the grinder and accepts the mission. There were signs of reluctance, something she noticed but shrugged it off. She should've seen it coming, but her duties as a Marshal clouded her judgement. To do good and protect the realm.

Then, the ArchMages orders to have them....grinded.

Her eyes burn from not only from the wood of her targets, but from her tears from anguish and the anger that rose to an unmeasurable outcome. She screamed at the top of her lungs, which echoed in the empty Sanctum practice area.

She breathes heavily, as her targets burn around her. She rips off her badge and stares at it.

Contemplating.
 
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Rohnan watched Arlyne work out her feelings. It was something that Rohnan had done herself a few times since being brought back. The flurry of anger and grief were the only two constant companions that she had since her resurrection. She waited until the flurry of seamed to pass, Rohnan approached the Marshal and held out the bottle of wine that she had been drinking from, “Here. You need this as much as I do.”
 
Arlynes head snapped up at the familiar voice.
"Didn't know I had an audience," she commented dryly as she puts her badge in her pouch.
She stood up, getting another pail of water, wiping away the tears. Numbly, she puts out the fires and sees the offering from the Sylvanborn. Arlyne smiles weakly and nods.
"I suppose I could use a drink after all this."
 
Rohnan finds some place to sit and looked over at the human. “I don’t know if we were ever close, but I am someone who is here right now. Do you want to talk about it?” Rohnan paused, thinking that she might be getting to forward, another instance of feeling like she doesn’t belong. “Or you can tell me to eff off and I won’t hold it against you.”
 
Arlyne sits beside her new company and takes swig of the wine Rohnan offered. She clears her throat. It still burns.
"We just met. But in that short time, we did get along quite well. You showed great potential in the Sanctum. I surely hope you come back to the ranks soon. Although..." Her voice trails off. "You don't seem ready. Or interested. I dont blame you if you don't."
She sighs, still trying to sort out all of this mess.
"I am not going to tell you to go away. Nor I am asking you to stay. But I do like this wine." She takes a longer swig this time.
 
Rohnan half giggled half laughed for a moment and then turned to her own thoughts. “I’m Conflicted about the Sanctum. I obviously don’t remember joining or why, but I know that I did it for a reason... Maybe I once believed in it, maybe I just wanted to belong to something, maybe I was just bored... I don’t know. I do know that I’m not that same person anymore though.”

“Too much has changed, and I honestly don’t know if I can fallow the orders of the ArchMage. What he asked of everyone here was...” Rohnan shook her head at the anger that she still felt over that incident and shoved it down. “But at the same time a feeling of pure emptiness filled me when Evo released me from any vows I swore. Jinn tells me that I once had ambitions to rank up in the Sanctum. I just don’t know if I should honour the person who I used to be by recommitting myself or if I should ignore the person who I was and try and make my own way. The only thing that I know is that I need more time. Part of me worries that I’d be more of a hindrance than a help to the Sanctum at this point anyway.”

Rohnan sighed and relaxed more into her seat and took in more of the destruction around her. “But I see that I’m not the only one who is struggling right now.”
 
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Arlyne smiles at Rohnans reaction then scoffs. At least she can feel happiness, albeit for a moment.

She looks Rohnan, knowing the tumoril she has endured since she returned to the Lux with Calan. She hopes she can see any sign of her friend, but all she saw was someone who is just as lost as Arlyne staring back at her.

"Its been a tough one, not going to lie. This bears into question about who I really am. I've been running for so long to get away from my past, but for some reason, it always comes back and bit me hard on the ***. If you forget your past, then who are you really? The past is never where you think you left it. It will always be a part of you, no matter how hard you try and push it away."

She watches the smoke floating from the ashes, it almost seems like they are dancing in tune with each other, then suddenly breaks off.

"I thought that this mission was suppose to be an easy. Just go in, grind some fae and be done. I never thought in a million years they would be friendly. Dammit, what the hell was I thinking?!" She punches the empty seat beside her. She cuts her knuckles and soon blood starts pouring out. She sighs.

“Looks like I got more blood on my hands." She says wryly.
 
Rohnan nodded her head and took a long drink from the wine before replying. “We all have blood on our hands, all have done things that we regret. I know that gives you no comfort now. The only thing you can do is to make sure you never cross that line again.”

Rohnan took another drink before continuing. “You can’t change your past, the choices you made... even though I don’t remember my life before it still made me the person who I am. I might not have the memories that made me who I am but I have the instincts and emotions of those memories.... I have to hope that is enough to guide me to make the right choices. This will change you. This should change you. But it doesn’t have to break you.”

Rohnan scrubbed her sleep deprived eyes and chuckled darkly “and I need to take my own damn advice.”
 
Arlyne looks up to Rohnan, her eyes growing dark.
"But will I cross that line again?" She shakes her head. So much self doubt rages within her.
"We are in a dark times, Rohnan. I do agree with you, we all have blood on our hands. But when you have Death knocking on your door, is it worth it to sacrifice those of the innocent to save your own? To save others? To save our realm? Who will remember them? War brings out a different side of us out. Hard decisions have to be made. Have we become so desensitized to violence and killing that it's now it's just a part of us?"

Arlyne gets up, frustrated and starts pacing.

"I joined the Sanctum because I thought they are to help protect these lands. To do good. To be noble, just and fair. I know what I did was wrong. But at the same time, it feels like it needed to be done. It's my duty as a Marshal to make sure it is. I am not proud of it either. Whether it breaks me...well, that's a matter to be seen."

She looks at the weary-eyed Sylvanborn. She empathizes her situation. Not having some recollection of who she once was would make a person go mad. At least she has someone to lean on.

Arlyne, on the hand, feels quite alone.
 
Rohnan flinched at the sudden outburst of anger but let her vent. She then tried to choose her words carefully. “I think that the fact that you are asking these questions mean that you aren’t desensitized. It’s obvious, to anyone who cares to look, that you still care. There are many around us who would have made the same choice as you. There are many other people who were there with you making that choice.”

Rohnan took a breath and her voice became quite, “I don’t know your past, and the previous hard choices that you might have already made. But I do know that no bad or evil person would feel this badly about making this choice.”

“As for weather or not this needed to be done it the way that it was is going to be something for historians to squabble over. For now, I can’t help but think of the memories that the griffin showed us. Dam thought that his actions were necessary. Now, I’m not saying that this is the same as consolidating power and eventually becoming a vampire, but I do worry how steep the slope becomes when the ends start to justify the means...”

Rohnan went to take another drink and glared at the now empty bottle as if it betrayed her.

“I know that I can’t say anything to make you feel better... but I’m going to be around the Lux for the for the foreseeable future. I just worry about how easy it is to close yourself off to the world. I hope that you can find something to cling to.”

Rohnan rubbed her tired eyes again. “Any way... I’m going to go find myself a ward or something to go pass out behind. You should to. Hopefully we both have a dreamless sleep tonight.”
 
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Arlyne feels comforted by Rohnans words. She has a lot to think about. She smiles weakly and bows her head slightly as the Sylvanborn makes her exit.

"Thank you. For listening. I hope you can get some sleep tonight. I'm going to stay a little while longer. Sleep well."

She sits back down and pulls out her badge and stares at it some more. Is it worth it? she thought.
Instinctively, she touches the necklace she wears then clutches it in her hand as she remembers those that she lost.

She then gets back up and begins her incant and continues to practice well into the night.

The fire can be her company. For now.
 
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