A Sleepless Night

[Ruki]

Ruki once again jolted up in the middle of the night, looking around. His body drenched in sweat, panting... after he was able to check in the dark surroundings of the room. The wizard lock he set up was still in tact, the ward one the cabin was still active, his cabinmates were still sleeping, as they had been 10 minutes before when he last awoke in a panic. The adept much preferred the sleepless dreams from his spells, scrolls, and what alchemy he had... but they never lasted long enough, and he had run out long ago. So he was forced to try and get to sleep naturally, but whenever he would drift off to sleep, he would be haunted by the same exact dream....

A person chasing down and slaughtering innocent fae creatures who were running for their lives, panicking, begging... but it made no difference. They all met the sword. The pile of bodies grew to the size of a mountain, and one by one they would be fed through a horrific grinder-type torture device while the person laughed manically. The person would then turn around and be Ruki, but his face monstrous and contorted. And then he would awaken.

It had been like this ever since that night, he knew what he did was horrifying and awful and truly believes it has damaged his spirit..... but it was the right thing to do. Wasn't it? The lives of some fae for the lives of the entire realm. On paper, it absolutely makes sense... the needs of the many versus the needs of the few. But to actually act on that, to actually be the one to put those lively, friendly, bubbly innocent fae through the grinder, it was something else. On one hand, Ruki does regret his actions (because what person with any ounce of good in them wouldn't), but on the other, someone had to do it, so why not him? Why should any of his friends and allies have to feel the guilt and sorrow and unrelenting shame? This was war, this was just the beginning. Many horrible things will need to be done by everyone... this was his part. In the Nightmare Realm, Ruki was a butcher of the elementgnolls, in his own realm a butcher of fae. This was clearly always destined to be his fate. A monster with a tainted spirit, doing "what's right".... truly someone worthy of going back to his family once this was done.

The broken human rolled out of bed and got dressed and exited the safety of his cabin. Sleep would not come for him that night yet again, so he wandered out into the Lux and skirted the fae forest... maybe someone would kill him yet again, and maybe this time he wouldn't come back. A permanent, dreamless sleep. That sounded nice.

 

[Sage of Legaia]

Phalaenopsis, having finished tending to his hawks for the evening, began wandering back out of the forest and towards the outskirts of the Lux; tracking his hawks each night was troublesome in the shifting forest, but they nested close to the city and were healthy each time he did, so his concerns for them were more... theoretical than practical. Perhaps he should have been more concerned about his own safety from wandering into the forest so frequently, but the Fey he'd met so far had mostly been pleasant enough to leave him be after a chat, and the few who weren't were pleasant enough to be convinced do the same with something other than words. He briefly considered that he may be earning some kind of reputation among the Fey, but just as quickly decided that as long as the reputation was positive rather than negative, he'd be more or less fine. He made deals and friends with Fey at his grove, he could do the same at the Lux. Like that Phase Pup from a few months ago! So adorable and friendly.

He lingered on this memory as he broke through the treeline, absent-mindedly playing with the clasp on his leaf box, and letting his mind wander as he shuffled along. It was snapped out of his personal daze when he heard footsteps coming towards him in the dark, and he had his box tucked under an arm and a gas globe in hand within seconds... Only to see a particularly-dejected looking redhead in the gloom. Phalaenopsis blinked a few times, before realising how aggressive he must look... for him... and stowing his globe in his pouch again and relaxing.

"Good evening, Ruki," he said cheerfully, as usual, before he fully registered the overall demeanor of his friend and changed his tone, "But, um... maybe it's not. Something bothering you?"

 

[Ruki]

Ruki jumped back slightly, he had hardly expected to run into someone this late at night so it caught him by surprise, but with the odd hours of the life of an adventurer, it shouldn't have. He composed himself and threw on the best smile that he could, "Oh, nothing at all. Just a sleepless night. A certain dwarf is snoring up a storm in the cabin."

...really? Snoring? That's the best he could come up with. For someone branded a liar and a trickster, he certainly was bad at the former.

The human sighed deeply and let his frown return, "It's been a rough couple of days, Phal. Just... awful." Whether it was the weight of his sins or his body revolting out of exhaustion, Ruki needed to do nothing more than sit at that moment... so he plopped his butt down on the cold, wet grass. "I'm a butcher. I slaughtered fae for their essence to help our odds in the war. Innocent fae. And because of that I was murdered in my sleep. Friends and allies look at me with disgust and distrust. And the worst thing is... it wasn't even e-*******-nough. So I get to do it again."

Ruki let the silence since for a moment before he continued, "How have I fallen so far in such a short time? I defended the lives of the elementgnolls against all common sense because I believed there was good in all. And now... I'm killing innocent fae children! Siegart, Elwynd, Briony.... thank the dragons they aren't here to see what I've become."

 

[Sage of Legaia]

Phalaenopsis listened to Ruki talk, and sat down on the grass facing the young (by Phal's standards) man. It was painful to hear, as someone who had spent months making deals with and befriending Fey, to hear that they were being slaughtered en masse, but it was even more painful to hear that Ruki was being ostracised for it; Phal's induction into the circumstances surrounding the Dark Reaches, and the lengths they would need to be willing to go to seal them off, had been quick and rather merciless, but the support he'd received from everyone had been instrumental in keeping him from sliding down a pit he'd rather stay out of. Not really knowing if there was anything he could do, he pulled Ruki into a hug; a firm, comforting hug, that can be sunk into.

"For what it's worth..." Phal began, before pausing to find the right way to phrase what he wanted to say, "I understand that someone had to do it. It just happened to be you. It could just as easily been Sarryn, or Arlyne. We all make choices that we regret, and we all make choices that are going to make even our closest friends mad at us." He took a deep breath, before continuing, "Bota was incredibly mad that we played Alchemy Roulette with deadly Elixirs 2 years ago, and I spent the better part of a year and a half upset with Xamot and Sarryn. I regret that the last time I saw Nazrat, I refused to give him any Potions or Alchemy, and I'll never be able to erase or make amends with him for that. I regret that I didn't go back to check on Wayanwood's grove when the Undead ran past me that night."

Phal finally released his friend, but took him by the shoulders and looked him straight in the eye. "You're going to do a lot of things that will make you feel or look like a hypocrite in your life. Everyone does. I have. I'm sure that somewhere in their pasts, Siegart, Elwynd, and Briony have all done things that they feel awful about, and strive very hard not to do again. You're in the unenviable situation of simultaneously knowing that it has to be done again, and knowing that there are dire consequences if it isn't. That's not something I'd wish upon anyone, and I don't know how to make going through it any easier on you. But what I can say is that 'for the greater good' can at times be a murky and painful way to judge your own actions, and being your own harshest critic is only good when the potential fate of every living thing in the realm isn't at stake."

He stayed silent for a time, thinking on how to do more than just pay lip service. Finally, he closed his eyes, and spoke again. "I... am mad that it came to the end that it did, with the Fey. I won't be able to forget that that's something you've done. But I can recognize that your overall reasons were noble, and forgive you for it. I don't have any good advice for how to get everyone else to do the same, but... know that you can always come to me to talk."

 

[Ruki]

Ruki tried to force a smile and gave a quiet, "Thanks, I appreciate it." He then put his head to rest in between his knees. "I just... don't want anyone else to have to do this... it feels like it taints your spirit. Killing and dying during war is so easy... it's living with what we've seen and done that's hard." He pauses for a moment and looks up at Phal, "If you were in my shoes... would you have done it?"

 

[Sage of Legaia]

Phalaenopsis tried, and perhaps failed, to hide his surprise at Ruki's question. He was silent for a long time, unsure of how to answer, and picked at the skin on his arms while he thought. It felt to Phal like an hour before spoke aagin, but it might have only been a minute or two.

"I... don't know if have a good answer to that." he finally replied, "I took a personal vow not to kill anyone 30 years ago, and up until now it's been fairly easy to uphold; now... I'm working towards poisoning an oasis and killing everything that relies on it, and I somehow have to be okay with that. Not just okay with doing it, but with the regret I'm expecting to feel afterwards, and the sense of personal failure that I'm certain will come with that regret."

He pursed his lips, as though there was more he wanted to say about his task, but he merely sighed deeply. "I don't think I could have done it, no. Even if the Fey I've befriended weren't the ones I was asked to kill, I don't think I could have done it. I have too many good memories with Fey to do it. But... I also think it took a certain kind of strength to look at what needed to be done, recognise that it was unjust, recognise that 'for the greater good' meant 'saving the realm from complete destruction'... and do it anyway." He ripped a handful of grass out of the ground and tossed it towards the forest. "I don't think it was admirable, but I also don't think that it's condemn-able, if that makes sense. There's too much grey area around much of what we have to do to claim a moral high ground for having done it, you know? And... trying to rationalise it to anyone who doesn't already know or grasp the stakes at hand may end up being fruitless."

"Jinn took a rather dark turn while I was gone, and I can't help but feel like a part of that is being burdened with the same situation you're in now, but over and over. Always knowing what has to be done, but not really wanting to do it because it goes against his moral code? He can't do it all by himself even if he wanted to, so he has to delegate it to people he trusts not to shy away from it, and to be able to bear the burden it creates. Evo and Sarryn, I think, had more experience dealing with morally dubious things, and so bore that burden better, but you can still see sometimes that they're not really happy with everything that's had to be done, or the sacrifices that have had to be made. It just... comes with the territory."

He stopped again and ripped up another clump of grass, but he held it, squishing the blades in his hand. "I think I might be babbling now, but... I think it speaks volumes about you as a person that you were ultimately willing to do a thing you knew people were going to hate you for in the name of a larger goal. It shows a level of determination and fortitude I don't know I have, and I don't think you should consider yourself weak or be ashamed of yourself for demonstrating that kind of conviction. I just hope that you don't let yourself wallow in the feeling that you've tainted yourself, because that's... just asking to lose yourself in a misery spiral." He opened his hand, and dumped the crushed plants onto the ground. "Just know that you're not alone in feeling conflicted about what you've done, and what you're planning to do, and the time will probably come when someone is going to need you to be there for them when they feel the way you do now. And maybe all you can do is say what you wish I would have said to you but maybe didn't. That you're not a monster. That you did what had to be done. That you can be forgiven."

Phalaenopsis trailed off into silence, mouthed a few more words as if to himself, and then fell still.

 

[Ruki]

Ruki sat and pondered the words of his friend for what felt like an eternity. It didn't quite make him feel better about what he had done or what he would be doing in the coming weeks, but it did make him feel less alone, less hateful towards himself. For days, Ruki has only been able to see the sorrow and pain within himself, completely ignoring that other people were struggling with what they've done, what they have to do, or even what they chose NOT to do. He knew he owed Talon, Calan, and likely even Elspeth a huge apology... but he also knew that his stubbornness wouldn't allow him to do such a thing.

The human took a deep breath and pushed himself to his feet, "Phal, thank you. Your words didn't make me feel better about what I've done.... but they've made me feel less awful about myself? If that makes any sense." He paused for a few moments before speaking again, "I know you're agonizing about the oasis... it's going to suck. One hundred percent. But if it helps you feel any better, you don't have to be the one to physically poison the oasis, I or someone else can help with that. Learn from me, try not to put that all on yourself. But... after it's done, after you feel like I'm feeling now, I'll be here for you just like you were for me. But, it's getting late, so I think I'm going to attempt that sleep thing again." He waved goodbye and headed back to his cabin and climbed in behind his wizard locked bunk and drifted off to sleep.

His dream was the same... the slaughter, the mountain of bodies, the monstrous features.... but this time he was determined to see this nightmare through to the end.