Mike Ventrella
Duke
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
I've begun worshipping the Sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the Sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to God are all answered at about the same 50-percent rate.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ... And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
I've begun worshipping the Sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the Sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to God are all answered at about the same 50-percent rate.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ... And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!
