Lighten up, damn you

jpariury

Duke
An Elf, a High orc, and a Dwarf are sitting at a bar. Three flies come out of no where and plop themselves in each of their drinks. The Elf looks down into his glass of wine, and with much aplomb and a turn of his nose, pushes the drink back to the bartender, demanding a new one. The Highorc gazes into his mead for a moment, pulls out the fly and flicks it at the Elf, then quaffs the entire mug with a slurp and a burp, and turns to the Dwarf, who, at that moment, is shaking the fly over his mug screaming "SPIT IT OOT, DAMN YE! SPIT IT OOT!"
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Three farmers are sitting around the table at Evad's, commiserating their woes into their not-full-enough cups and at whomever turns an ear their way.
"Och. Ah think me daughter is keepin' time wif a gypsy," grumbles the first, "for ah found unda her bed a scarf wi' feavers innit."
"Oh, you tink dat so bad, eh?" asked the second "I fink me daughter be sleepin' wiv an dwarf, for unner her bed, I spied meself a hammer and a bottle o' spirits, I did."
"Das nuffin'," shouted the third. "Mysa duaghter, she been foolin' aroun' wid the Good Lord Baron Polare hisself, she has! When I looked under HER bed, I found Avaran!"
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A dark elf, a dragon mage, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The rabbi stops for a moment, looks around a bit and says "I think I'm in the wrong joke."
 
¿How many MyWees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Hell, the more the merrier


p.s. i spit coffee all over my couch after reading that third joke. ¡jawesome!
 
jpariury said:
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Three farmers are sitting around the table at Evad's, commiserating their woes into their not-full-enough cups and at whomever turns an ear their way.
"Och. Ah think me daughter is keepin' time wif a gypsy," grumbles the first, "for ah found unda her bed a scarf wi' feavers innit."
"Oh, you tink dat so bad, eh?" asked the second "I fink me daughter be sleepin' wiv an dwarf, for unner her bed, I spied meself a hammer and a bottle o' spirits, I did."
"Das nuffin'," shouted the third. "Mysa duaghter, she been foolin' aroun' wid the Good Lord Baron Polare hisself, she has! When I looked under HER bed, I found Avaran!"___________________________________________________________________________

My gyspy just made herself 90 gold on that little joke! I thank you!

Okay...Let's see....

You might be a gypsy if
....If you have 8 - 10 meals per day and the main course is always intoxicated
....if your bottle of booze is older than your significant other
... Upon approaching an encampment everyone shouts warnings to hide everything from you and to make sure there aren't more of "your kind" coming in the back door.
....You've ever made someone trade you something to get their stuff back.
.....You've been promoted to king and it's not a good thing

How many barbarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Because if it did not work it was not worthy and a true warrior is not afraid of the dark.

How many LARPers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, does he have craftsman other lamp lighter?
 
Mobius said:
¿How many MyWees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Hell, the more the merrier

How many stone elves does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They know that lightbulbs weren't invented yet.

How many gypsies does it take to... hey! Where's my pouch?

How many dwarfs does it take to light a bonfire?
Depends upon how thick their beards are.
 
lolcat.jpg
 
jpariury said:
A dark elf, a dragon mage, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The rabbi stops for a moment, looks around a bit and says "I think I'm in the wrong joke."

I have to say this one is HILARIOUS! A few of my non-alliance larp friends even laughed at it. ^_^
 
Baron Shikar, Sir Gregor, and Amalie Quicksilver were once invited to see a great new ship made entirely of gold, but they had to first agree that none of them would spend more than five minutes aboard, and they had to leave the ship without any piece of it, which they all swore to.
Baron Shikar stepped aboard and admired the amazing craftsmanship of the craft, with all it's shining glory. After his five minutes were up, he left the port whistling to himself. The crew looked about and found that two screws were missing from one of the doors, and quickly replaced it. No one dared raise a voice of suspicion, though, for fear of insulting his Excellence.
Sir Gregor was next to step aboard, and in his five minutes of touring, did wonder at how they made a craft of such fine wrought metal endure the rigours of the seas. Upon his exit, knowing that his blood was thick and deep in him, they search him high and low, but found naught on his person. It wouldn't be three days that anyone would notice the notches cut out of the floor beneath the rug in the captain's quarters, or wonder as to why the window had been opened.
So, upon his departure, Amalie strode aboard the ship, eyes wide with amazement at the shining glory. The proud owner of the ship stood ashore, beaming at his great fortune and accomplishment, and waited... and waited... and waited. Suddenly, the ship sailed off into the sunset, leaving behind only a silken kerchief in it's wake.
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Long ago, the gypsy king was lying on his deathbed, having lived a life of freedom, adventure, and excitement. His familia, close and not-so-close, gathered around him, and every color of cloth could be seen from miles away. The neighboring gaje asked them to keep it down, so loud was their clothing. As he looked at the children around him, he spoke in a thin, reedy voice, "Please, call for the gaje king to send a wizard, so that he may race change me into a gaje human before I die."
With a moan of great sorrow, his sons in one great voice did cry "Papa, why would you, the wisest and eldest of us who have traveled the world over wish to die a mere gaje?"
The gypsy king strained to turn his head to his stricken kin. "Better one of them should die...."
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Gronik Hammerfist and Tulivar Ironfoot, two dwarves, traveled along the trails of the Human kingdom of Aliquar, when they did pass the local healer's guild. Outside it, they found a sign that read "Lesser Races!!! Transform to the Glory of a Human and earn 30 gold!". Tulivar scroffed, but Gronik wanted to see what all the hubbub was about, so he entered the building. When he came out, he stood taller and thinner than ever before. Tulivar hesitantly asked him "So, did it hurt?"
"Hurt schmurt," replied Gronik, "he waved his hand, did a little dance, and Poof, I'm a human."
"What about the 30 gold?" asked Tulivar.
"You dwarves, always so concerned with money!"
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Elimarwin the elf, Jesse the human, and Ugg the orc stood watch every night on the wall of the great castle that held the undead hordes at bay, keeping one another company, and enjoying their evening meals together. One night, Elimarwin opened his satchel and withdraw a handful of dried fruit. "Dried fruit!" he cried, "Always dried fruit! Fine, but this is the last night I eat dried fruit, or I'll hurl myself from the battlements upon the swords of my foes!"
Jesse opened his pouch, and withdrew hard biscuits and salted meat. "Yuck. Salted meat, again! Should I find myself eating salted meat once more, I shall do as you say, friend Elimarwin. My carcass will lay at the foot of the wall as a testament to my hatred of dried meat." Ugg watched the two of them for a moment, then took off his shoe and poured out a small pile of grubworms. "Squiggles!" said the great green warrior, "Ugg not like squiggles all time. Ugg gonna do what friends say if find squiggles again!"
The next night, Elimarwin opened his satchel, and found inside a pouch of cornbread, and small jar of honey. "Phew, thank the trees, dear friends, that my wife took pity on my plight." he grinned.
Jesse opened his pouch, and found inside an apple and some sweet sugar cane to carry him through the night. "There is no wife finer than mine, and that is the truth".
As the two of them heartily dug into their evening meals, Ugg took off his shoe, and out poured a small pile of grubworks. Ugg looked down at it thoughtfully, and gave a great sob and shed a single, milky white tear down his great cracked face, and turned to his friends.
One to each great meaty hand, he took his dear-heart companions by the scruff of their necks and hurled them down to howling mob of undead masses below. Watching the brawl with inevitable results, he gave one last sigh and sat with a great thump. "Next time, maybe Ugg not pack his own lunch. Good friends is getting hard to find."
 
Awww that last one is so sad! :) I found the Dwarf one pretty funny too. ^_^
 
What do you say to a hot dwarven barmaid?

No thanks, I've had enough! :p




Why do dwarves drink so much?

Have you ever seen their women?



Why do elves have pointy ears?

They'res got to be SOME point to 'em!

:p

j/k

please don't hurt me! :cry:
 
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?







Because he didn't have the guts :)

Proudly told to me by my 6 year old son
 
jpariury said:
Gronik Hammerfist and Tulivar Ironfoot, two dwarves, traveled along the trails of the Human kingdom of Aliquar, when they did pass the local healer's guild. Outside it, they found a sign that read "Lesser Races!!! Transform to the Glory of a Human and earn 30 gold!". Tulivar scroffed, but Gronik wanted to see what all the hubbub was about, so he entered the building. When he came out, he stood taller and thinner than ever before. Tulivar hesitantly asked him "So, did it hurt?"
"Hurt schmurt," replied Gronik, "he waved his hand, did a little dance, and Poof, I'm a human."
"What about the 30 gold?" asked Tulivar.
"You dwarves, always so concerned with money!"

ROFL. I know a few dwarves who will HATE this joke. Muahahahah!
 
There are definitely female dwarves running around out there.
 
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