Voices In My Head: Page 3

[koremorleth]

It had been long enough since the appearance of the last poem that some of the Unbounded who had met the avatar Regret begin to worry that something had happened to him. But early Wednesday morning, those worries are laid to rest. At least, at first. On one side, is scrawled a message:

I thought this was helping. I really did. I'm trying. But I need you to understand one thing: I see your regrets, yes. The things said and unsaid. Actions taken or not taken. But do you want to know why I have to tear out my eyes when it becomes too much? Because I feel them. I feel your emotions, the hatred you feel towards yourself. The grief, the loss, the anger. I relive your worst moments, over and over again. Those of you who were there, who saw what I did? The only way to dull the pain of your worst moments is the physical pain I cause by tearing out my eyes. I would rather rip my eyes out a hundred times over than feel that constant, unending, overwhelming regret.

I'm trying. But I don't know how much longer I can take this. How do you live with this kind of pain?

On the other side, as usual, two poems are written side by side. But the script is far from neat. The ink is smudged in places, the paper wrinkled from the tears that had fallen and dried there. A few drops of smeared, dried blood are splattered towards the bottom of the page, along with bloody fingerprints. It becomes clear to the Unbounded that not long after finishing these two poems, Regret had ripped out his eyes. And this is what he wrote:



This time, there is no name at the bottom.

 

[faelan]

"Is anyone having guesses as to where Regret's letters are coming from? Is there a place he frequents? Who it is that is finding or delivering these papers? It's clear that he is needing help, but we cannot be helping unless we can be sharing words with him. I am thinking that if he struggles when he sees us, perhaps some poetry of my own could be of soothing company when his....eyes...regenerate." Spinner struggles a bit with finishing that thought, but then continues. "Perhaps without a person attached, words alone will not be causing him pain."

 

[Mobius]

Free verse is not my forte as I prefer the creativity and exploration balanced in bounded metres. However, does it seem to anyone else that the second poem relates to Governor Rumil? He had a tense relationship with his father, "He placed the/ Burden of Duty/ and expectations/ upon my shoulders"; and one could surmise a more supportive relationship with his mother, "You loved/ without judgement/ without expectation/ of love in return." The ”Euphoric apathy" of the ultimate stanza seems to embody his particular habits of hedonistic self-destruction. The capitalization suggests more the proper noun Euphoria than the indulgent, expressive capitalization of previous stanzas.

Perhaps the Avatar is embodying the "regrets" of emotionally resonant folk within the culture. This is not his, meaning Regret, regrets, but suggests others that he is attuning and expressing. It is possible all the poetry is a vicarious expression. Avatars are, after all, both influenced and influencer of three Expanse.

As for Regret himself, I would think bringing him into balance with a counterpoint might assist his turmoil. Regret is the false conclusion that the past inexorably straitens the future. Introduction of hope and change would, in theory, balance that position. Does such an Avatar exist? Would those close to him be able to introduce these ideals?


Dramthin Hartsboon
Lost One of Five Bridges
Keeper of the Tainted Grove

 

[sable mortis]

I think it's arch duchess he's taking about.

 

[faelan]

From my understanding of the Avatars, I am generally not seeing clear dichotomies between them, so a counterpart of "hope" may not be existing as such. The closest mirror that Regret has is his twin Foresight (and I am wondering if any of the poems can refer to Foresight, though since I have personally met neither of them yet, I cannot judge the poetic parallels). We do know that Regret desires a reunion with Foresight, so that may be the necessary balancing influence.

Alternatively, maybe Regret needs to learn how to cope with his gift, and find a counterbalance within himself. Since we have no idea how Foresight feels about a reunion, I am thinking that we should keep this approach in mind.

 

[Mobius]

Goodfolk Spinner,


I have met the Avatar Foresight, and he is more of an analytical engine than an emotionally realized individual. The extreme pathos Regret exhibits is counterbalanced by an emotional void within Foresight. I cannot speak to their historical interaction, but it is possible this opposition is more balanced when they are in physical proximity. With that in mind, I would be very surprised if Regret is expressing their own or any other Avatar's emotional state with these poems. From what I have seen, Avatars are, as a whole, not dynamic in the same way as mortals.

In any case, I would certainly agree that a reunion might be best. As we saw with the Mother of Tides, the Avatars are grounded in the mortal precepts they emulate (perhaps, embody), and are more healthy when in harmonious, nourishing, and familial relationships.

I may be able to pull some strings to locate Foresight. He was recovered from the corrupted laboratory of a rogue Mistweaver last year, and they may have knowledge of his current whereabouts. Perhaps we can speak more at the upcoming Market Day.


Dramthin Hartsboon
Lost One of Five Bridges
Keeper of the Tainted Grove

 

[sable mortis]

What if not it's about foresight at all.