jen said:Dear John,
I am so mad at you for dying.
All my love always,
I read that and I started crying. Because I had to admit to myself that I am very angry at John for dying. I know how greived I am and I feel ... so wrong to feel that way because if Im in pain.. how much more so are Colleen and Patrick??
I miss being able to call him and just say Hi. To dicscuss with him problems in our lives and cheer one another up. I miss his great heart and how much love he had for everyone. I miss our conversations about him him reliving the "good old days" and how I better not destroy his barony (Nordenn) and live up to his legacy. LOL he also kept demanding I change the colors back to black and green.
I miss him so much. And now... now I have to figure out how the bloody HELL Im going to run Jersey without him. And when I even try to think bout wrtiting, I get an ache in my heart that hurts so much I cant breathe. In all honesty I know my staff is competent... I just cant imagine doing it without John. I used to go wake HIM up ... lol and not by inviting him to bite my *** (such a funny story Jesse G.) I remember the morning shower rituals with Colleen (Renee an I will guard the curtain for you), The get the npcs up and motivational coffee and breakfast sandwich ritual... and the silly silly **** he did to make us laugh, all the time.
I was so utterly blessed to have this Nero legend come off the silver screen and come into our lives. To become not only our mentor and our guide, but our dear friend. And I am so angry and hurt. This weekend John and I were going to go see campsites. He and I were going to talk about Jersey and what we needed to do to make this chapter great. He wanted to be a partner in it and asked me if he could. All I could think of was... of course!
And now I see the reigns back in my hands and an empty seat where John sat. The music lies silent as the conductor has left the podium and all I can think of is the music has stopped. The beautiful melody has stopped. I cannot recreate the music like you made it John, no one can. How are we supposed to do this?
And somehow were supposed to. We want to. We want to honor your memory, we want to keep creating the magic. We want to keep your legacy alive so no one will forget eveything you have done.
But oh my God it hurts so much without you.