Von Raven said:
It hurts just to post this, but I'm not ready to see this thread die just yet.
Patrick, you took the words right out of my keyboard.
Every day since Tuesday, March 18th, I've come to this board, sometimes twice or more. I've posted only once, at a time when I still couldn't breathe from the weight of my grief. I've been meaning to come back so many times, to add more, but it never came out right. Earlier this week, I realized that I would be very sorry to see the day when it would dawn on me that noone was posting anymore. And I promised then that I would come as soon as a I had a moment of calm to add my memories to this amazing collection. My moment has come, and I log on to see those words.
It does hurt to post this. I'm mad as hell that John's gone and I'm madder at myself for having not kept in touch with him these last 3 years. Coming here and hearing from all the people that John touched has helped me calm that down, so thank you for sharing.
I'm very fortunate, really. I got to be very close to John through the years. I remember when Duke Bryan proposed to the Duchess and the ripples it caused. I watched him argue with Bryan, amongst others, at the plot table in Brooklyn. I got to sit in the tavern kitchen with him and all the other biata, telling them to leave him alone, he's the DUKE for goodness sake, and as the resident elder I'd whoop all of them if they didn't back off! I got to be a part of the epic 5-day event in Cedarcrest, which, unless my memory is completely hopeless, was orchestrated by the Man, JTF. (The pinnacle event in all of LARPing as far as I'm concerned, and for sure my vote for the "Citizen Kane" award. You can't deny the best.) I got to watch him scare the crap out of Colleen at a Haunted Castle in Mass when he sic-ed Jason (or was it Michael Myers?) on her right outside the bathroom. I got to stay for days on end with the family in Brooklyn, smoking way too many cigarettes, way too late in the night, and loving every minute of it. I got to be part of the wedding of the century, where two of the people I cared most about made their dreams come true. I got to play D&D in the dining room in PA, where John showed infinite patience with my inability to roll the dice equal to the presumed skills of a Cat Lord Monk.
When the Split happened, I was one of the few people that continued to play on both sides of "enemy" line. And boy, did I get grief for that. Whenever anyone asked me why I continued to play Alliance, I'd say "I NPC for John.". Doing that and getting to see the friends I had there were my only reasons for traveling that far by myself. I don't mean that as a knock to the others who ran the game, it's just the truth. I loved that he gave me great parts to play. I loved that he trusted me enough to run little fun things just to spice things up a little. I love that he trusted me enough to know that I got it, that it was all for the benefit of the players. The only doubt he ever showed in me was when he wanted to make sure that I knew in absolutely surety that the obliteration stick ws NOT to be used on the players, only NPC's. (But I chalk that up to the convincing glee I played while weilding it.) When I decided to end my character, with John & Patrick's help and championship, and Heidi's plot, I was able to end Selina Vardik's life in epic style, giving her the most satisfying end you could ask for, not only for me but, just as importantly, for all those who knew her (well, at least I hope so).
When he left Alliance, I did as well. He took the high road and returned to the game, and went on to join NERO NJ. I wish I had followed that same path. But then again, John was normally the better person than I.
I think part of his magic was that he believed in everyone's potential. That everyone should get a real chance, and that even if you didn't think you were worth helping, he did. We all started out equal in his eyes, we all deserved that support. I think that may have been a cornerstone in his views on the white sneaker and tabard costume. He knew that most of us started out as newbies, and just about everyone didn't start out with much of a costume. But he also knew that 99% of the time, everyone improved.
I have only one negative memory about John. Shortly before the Split, he and I had an argument over a character I was playing in Avendale. There had been a misunderstanding about what took place, and we resolved the whole thing pretty quickly, but to this day, I remember when I got the emailing from him telling me he was pissed my first reply to him consisted of 4 words: "John, That hurt. Kathy". And it did too. To think that I had angered him, that I had disappointed him, that he had misunderstood me. We were ok afterwards, in fact, that night was when Colleen had asked me to be in the wedding party, so I knew everything was fine. But I can't help reflecting back now that the hurt I felt then was a small foretelling of the hurt I feel now. When he was mad at me, and I had never seen him angry at anyone, I couldn't help but feel like I was going to lose my friend from my life. And that hurt. And now he's gone.
Which makes me mad again. But reading these memories from people that I remember from the old days and the new stories from people I haven't met yet helps me calm down. Thank you for sharing.
To all my old friends, I miss you.
To Colleen and Patrick, I think of you every day and I wish I could help. My love is yours.
To John, thank you. The message has come through loud and clear. And you and Gary Guygax better have one hell of a game set up for us when we join you. Write a part for me, ok? I love you.
- Kathy Rosenblatt
aka Kathy Taylor
better known as Selina Vardik
.
